I grow

In May I decided to start my own garden in the backyard. A “homemaker’s task” was one of my belittling views about it. I found in my desire of wanting to do it; made me question my how much of a feminist I was. -Career and Home balance has always been something I struggle with. But that’s another story.- Nonetheless sticking to my decision, I finally started today my garden today… (2 months later)

If I had to express why it took me 2 months to begin, here are a few superfluous excuses…

  • I am a teacher and always bring work home. (It might never make it out of the car though)
  • I work hard on my down time to achieve my dreams. (Dreams can come true… They can happen to you)
  • I suffered new kinds of loss this year and needed some downtime to process them. (See to live is to suffer but, to survive…Well that’s to find meaning in the suffering. -DMX’s version of the quote suits me more.)
  • I’m been traveling! For work, for pleasure, for no reason at all. (Packing and unpacking is very time consuming.)
  • More so than all those things, I hold the torch that helps light the way for so many people. I allow myself to be their vessel… (Even though it drains me)

That last bulletpoint is probably the real reason it’s taken me 2 months to start gardening. With all the emotional support I was willingly give to others… I didn’t think I could grow…In all meanings of that sentence…

To touch upon one… For a long time I figured, ‘This person will finally get it and learn to support me, the same way I support them’. Or I thought ‘I’ll meet someone new that if allow me to share my joys and rants’…. I guess these are the notations of an idealist.

If only I had realized 2 (or 6 … or 20) months ago…that I’m not just an idea or a force of positive centricity. Nor am I limited to be a doer for everyone but, myself. (I’m dramatic but, correct)

Better late than never they say… So today I’m planting! See I get it now… I can plant sunflowers seeds and use them to light my own path. In all meanings of that sentence.

And how fitting… Especially when I really had my heart set on planting tomatoes. Lol… but there is no need to turn this into a rant about supply and demand. Let’s focus on this one triumph and acknowledge the fact that I grew.


The following is an excerpt from my was writing in my journal.

“So I can’t make pancakes.


The very thought of holding the box gives me chills…”

Published by Ashleya Nicole

Ashleya Nicole's uses hip hop culture to influence her writings about life, love and their lessons. She is an avid Jay Z fan and is known to quote him in conversations. ❤️

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